My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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