Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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