just tell him i said nine months
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
