So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
