So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
