WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
