I just made out with a guy for $7.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
