hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
there's paper in my vomit.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
