can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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