I smell stomach acid.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
