Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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