there's paper in my vomit.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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