Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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