I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
