Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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