you guys were way drunker than both of me
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
