Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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