If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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