I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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