Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
