he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
