Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
