I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
