Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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