So drunk its hurt
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
