my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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