yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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