I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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