I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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