if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
