Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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