That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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