I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
