I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
