like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
