You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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