Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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