Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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