she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
