I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
