if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I love you. Go after that dick
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
