I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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