Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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