Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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