he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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