what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
