I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Omg I joined a choir last night...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
