I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
