Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Randomize
