So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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