apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
