You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
