Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
