Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
