Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
