On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Someone shit on the floor
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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