My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
