My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
last night I used snow as a chaser
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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