Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
