I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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